Balboa Millionaire’s Paradise

A smarmy champagne bibbing Martine Beswicke (The Narrator) gets the ball rolling with an on-camera résumé of Balboa: a playground for the super rich and their entourage of gold diggers and other sundry hangers-on, all jockeying for position on the socialite ladder.

Written, produced and directed by James Polakof (Dark Eyes; Swim Team; Sunburst), who delivers a shot-on-video, bottom of the Jackie Collins soap opera barrel, spiced up with a smattering of bare bosoms — most probably for the more liberal Pay-TV audience it was intended for. The non-existent plot, as vapid and pointless as it's depicted characters, requires the viewer to have a cast-iron cinematic constitution in order to claw through to the bitter end.

Tony Curtis plays Ernie Stoddard, an aging millionaire who wafts his way around the resort attempting to gain committee approval to build a casino on a nearby island. His main opponent is Sam Cole (Steve Kanaly of Dallas fame), a local politician who tries to stop him and the casino deal going through.

There are various other notable residents: Chuck Connors is oil-rich cowboy Alabama, Sonny Bono as the philandering Tennis coach, Tony. Even Elvira herself Cassandra Peterson makes an appearance here as Angie Stoddard.

The film meanders and limps along so fruitlessly that Beswicke pops up to narrate at regular intervals, to nudge baffled viewers with updates on the story and a reminder who everybody is! Quite possibly a longer series cut down for feature length, it’s still amazing that it managed to attract so many well-know actors — even if they were at the fag-end of their careers.